Father. Hood.

Today in my EDEL class we were discussing different gender roles and how they have evolved over the years. I was asked how I felt about the changing roles of fatherhood, and the pressures that come along with these changes.

In many ways I have often felt like I missed the class that taught all boys that they had to act a certain way, and also the one that taught us to try and impress one another. I guess God just gifted me not to be horribly concerned about these things. I told the professor that I don't feel a whole lot of pressure from without, but rather that I have internal values that put pressure on me.

I wonder what sort of role I should take with boys and girls in our neighborhood. This week I've become aware that Alex is starved for attention. He woke up at 6:00 am to go running with me on Tuesday. What normal 14 yr old does that? I see some of the young girls beginning to dress provocatively and I wonder if it is appropriate to say something to them. I know these girls. I know that they lack an involved father in their life. I believe that they need positive, healthy male attention, but I worry about how that would be seen by neighbors. How do I best love them?

I also wonder about race roles. What is the appropriate role of a white male in the lives of African American youth. As I've worked with black youth I come face to face with the ugly reality of black self hatred. I've seen children begin to associate success with white and begin to believe that to become successful they must become "white." Does my positive influence perpetuate that idea? How do I fight that?

And when am I stepping on parents toes? Yesterdaymy wife and I saw a boy who couldn't have been more than 3 years old (if that) running around with his 4year old sister being watched by their 7 year old sister. No parents could see them (except us). Our neighborhood is full of sexual predators. I know that the Matriarch of their household knows this. I don't have the best relationship with her. Her boyfriend is usually intoxicated, and can be mean. Do i say something? Do I just call CPS ?

Last night I went to one of the kids football games. I liked the excuse to go to a football game, but I could have done many other things around the house. I was planning on doing yard work that has been needed for over a week when my wife reminded me of his game. This kid had told me at least twice that he had a game, and had asked if I would come see him. So the weeds went un-whacked for another day, and my little family and I went to watch the Wilson Middle School Football team get soundly whooped by Anderson's East side Middle School.

I know that I can't be everyone's father. I really don't want to be. I do want to make the most of my life and add joy and meaning to the lives of those around me. I hope that my presence in the lives of these young people will enable them to live to their fullest potential.

Surprise Birthday Party

On Labor day I walked outside in the morning. Alex, who I often will see riding his bike on the street outside of my house, or playing Basketball on the hoop outside of the house, was riding his bike up and down the street. When he saw me he rode up to me. "Today is my birthday" he said.
"What are you doing for it? " I asked.
"Nothing." He answered." Is your Grandma making a cake or anything?"
"No." "We'll have to make a cake or something."
I was a bit suspicious. Kids will sometimes say this sort of thing just to get as much as they can out of their birthday. However I'm guessing that his grandma, who has custody of him and his sister, is probably on a fixed income; it often seems like they run out of food. Later I found out that she didn't have money to buy a cake or mix so she really wasn't doing anything for him at all. When we asked his sister if we should invite his Grandma to have cake with us, or if we could give her a cake mix she said that her Grandma would be mad if she knew that we were doing anything for him. (Perhaps out of embarrassment?)
We happened to have a box of cake mix, and a package of cream cheese, so we and another girl (Kenisia from the earlier post) set about making a cake for Alex. As the cake came close to being ready we sent Kenesia out to round up Alex's friends to gather on our porch to celebrate his life. As we were finishing up icing the cake lots of kids were gathering on our porch trying to catch a peek of the cake.

Coming out the front door with a lit cake was the crowning moment of my Labor Day. Alex's big smile and thankfulness afterward were wonderful presents for me on his birthday. The cake was really good also.

Racial Tension

A few months ago Kenisia began hanging out with my wife all of the time. She decided that my wife is her "go to person." She is 11 yrs old and in 6th grade. She is going through all of the normal middle school awkwardness -- very aware and self conscious of her body, beginning to wonder who she is etc... She is an African American and is pretty involved in two churches that are mostly ran by Caucasians.
Mostly I wanted to talk about one particular incedent. This past Sunday Kenisia was hanging out at our house -- just acting like one of the family. She and my wife had just come from a Church Youth group in which K was the only black girl. As she and my wife talked it became clear that that had been very uncomfortable for her. The two other girls were cousins, and both fairly fit. The other girls had not been nice to her.
As they were talking my son began throwing a fit. My wife asked me to take him to his room to reprimand him. Kenisia automatically became very defensive. " Why are you sending him back there? It's because I'm black isn't it?" She was visibly bent out of shape about it. My wife asked why she would ever think that. "There are often black friends, and children in our house, we desire it. You yourself are over here everyday and I love it." Kenisia couldn't explain why, and the subject wasn't pushed any more. Eventually it was just dropped.