The Good.

My wife (with my help from time to time) has been tutoring two girls from our neighborhood this year. It has been an emotional time. One of the girls failed all of her courses last year and was made to repeat the 6th grade. The other girl would regularly come to our house after school with all of her assignments undone, requiring her to work well into the night to finish it. All this because she was afraid to ask questions in class. Report card time arrived and to our complete joy, both of the girls achieved A B Honor roll status. They both have worked very hard. This week the 6th grader received a commendation from her teacher because she has taken to helping one of her classmates to succeed. She is counseling her out of all of the issues she hersalf had at the begginning of the year. How cool!

Full Immersion=Dissonance

Dissonance: Disharmony/ mental conflict

A month or so ago I went to a conference. At the conference I was in a breakout session on using the experience of dissonance to facilitate education. The speaker spoke on how learning that winds up with application often happens in leaps rather than on some continuum of gradually showing itself over time. As I was listening I thought "that's true...how can I use this to help teach kids." As I left the break out session I kept pondering the ramifications of this session. After awhile I realized that I am the one who is experiencing dissonance and learning in leaps and bounds.

I also began to think, the kids around me are going through this all the time. It is the normal experience. I expect that there is more of an issue when things are calm. Perhaps that is when the wheels begin to turn for them.

The speaker went on to say that reflection is necessary after times of significant dissonance for change to take place -- for education to happen. so I suppose this is that for me. An attempt to reflect on the regular intervals of dissonance that occur in my life in my neighborhood.

• As I was coming home from a run this morning I noticed a man sleeping in his car which was parked on the corner across from my house.

• Last weekend I had two boys in to my house for a Bible study. We ended up talking about sex. I became aware that both of the boys are sexually active. So we began talking about what makes for wise choices in sex. One of the boys' cousins is 15 and has gotten another 15 year old pregnant. He was very aware of the risk that came with sex. I could tell that he was trying to process how to be wise and not live in the moment. In the end they left me with little hope that they would even think twice. Never-the-less these are valuable discussions to have.

• The cousin and the girl he got pregnant came by my house soon after they found out that a child was on the way. I've known this kid since he was pretty 9 years old, maybe younger. I didn't know what to say. I congratulated him, and asked him if he was going to be a man about things. He was eager to be responsible at the time. I saw him the other day and asked how things were going. He said that the girl would not return his phone calls, and that he couldn't find her.

• One of my neighbor girls came over the other day to read a book to me. The kids can earn points from one of the ladies in our church for every book they read. As she read my son sat down to be read to. I was so pleased to see my son soaking up the value to read being passed down from the middle class white lady to the poor black girl to my son. (I don't know where to classify him at this time.)

These are the sort of myriad experiences that I encounter in my neighborhood. Some good, some bad. I am fortunate to have cheap property yet my neighbor hood has a higher crime rate. People know each other. Because we don't have garages or yards our children play on the sidewalk or the street, so we look out for one another's kids. The kids themselves look after one another. Our neighborhood is racially mixed -- largely black and white, but there also is a smattering of Mexican families living in among us who play a significant role in the body of the neighborhood. It makes me feel bi-polar, this great mix of wonderful goods and horrible bads. This seems to be the plight of living in at risk neighborhoods.

I myself am often internally torn. I want to be a part of the neighborhood, yet I'm not fully. However I feel more and more the barrier being lifted. For one thing, I myself am needy. My children are on Medicaid, we (thankfully) receive W.I.C. every month, and we fit the income requirements for food stamps. The only difference is that we have greater resources. My wife's parents are financially well off. My father is financially stable ( I think). My wife has a college degree. I am at once fully immersed and yet not the same, trying to think of my neighbors as "us" instead of "them." However I also don't want to have to deal with the messiness of other people. My life is hectic enough without someone else's hecticness being thrown into it.

So how do I use all of this to partner with parents and their children? At that breakout session the speaker spoke of how dissonance often creates an empathetic desire to change things for the better. That has happened to me. The result is a search for how to go about that in the most effective manner. Elementary teaching is what seems to be the most effective way to use my influence. Having the experience of dissonance so strongly myself, I can empathize with the children and their parents. Having taken courses like Home/School Community relations I am on my way to knowing how to knowing how to empower these neighbors of mine. This is the action brought on by dissonance.

Little time - lots of things

Just because I haven't posted doesn't mean that nothing is going on. In fact very much the opposite is true. Here's a little list of events that I've made a note to include in the blog.

• Two teens that I'm involved with have been having sex in an abandoned house
• I'm realizing that Kenesia's asking if we would ever adopt her may have to do with her contemplating reporting her Mom for something.
• I talked one of the kids in the neighborhood out of beating up another.
• Birthdays galore.
• CCDA brings about lots of thoughts on life in the Hood.
  

Hopefully I can go into more detail in the future.

Father. Hood.

Today in my EDEL class we were discussing different gender roles and how they have evolved over the years. I was asked how I felt about the changing roles of fatherhood, and the pressures that come along with these changes.

In many ways I have often felt like I missed the class that taught all boys that they had to act a certain way, and also the one that taught us to try and impress one another. I guess God just gifted me not to be horribly concerned about these things. I told the professor that I don't feel a whole lot of pressure from without, but rather that I have internal values that put pressure on me.

I wonder what sort of role I should take with boys and girls in our neighborhood. This week I've become aware that Alex is starved for attention. He woke up at 6:00 am to go running with me on Tuesday. What normal 14 yr old does that? I see some of the young girls beginning to dress provocatively and I wonder if it is appropriate to say something to them. I know these girls. I know that they lack an involved father in their life. I believe that they need positive, healthy male attention, but I worry about how that would be seen by neighbors. How do I best love them?

I also wonder about race roles. What is the appropriate role of a white male in the lives of African American youth. As I've worked with black youth I come face to face with the ugly reality of black self hatred. I've seen children begin to associate success with white and begin to believe that to become successful they must become "white." Does my positive influence perpetuate that idea? How do I fight that?

And when am I stepping on parents toes? Yesterdaymy wife and I saw a boy who couldn't have been more than 3 years old (if that) running around with his 4year old sister being watched by their 7 year old sister. No parents could see them (except us). Our neighborhood is full of sexual predators. I know that the Matriarch of their household knows this. I don't have the best relationship with her. Her boyfriend is usually intoxicated, and can be mean. Do i say something? Do I just call CPS ?

Last night I went to one of the kids football games. I liked the excuse to go to a football game, but I could have done many other things around the house. I was planning on doing yard work that has been needed for over a week when my wife reminded me of his game. This kid had told me at least twice that he had a game, and had asked if I would come see him. So the weeds went un-whacked for another day, and my little family and I went to watch the Wilson Middle School Football team get soundly whooped by Anderson's East side Middle School.

I know that I can't be everyone's father. I really don't want to be. I do want to make the most of my life and add joy and meaning to the lives of those around me. I hope that my presence in the lives of these young people will enable them to live to their fullest potential.

Surprise Birthday Party

On Labor day I walked outside in the morning. Alex, who I often will see riding his bike on the street outside of my house, or playing Basketball on the hoop outside of the house, was riding his bike up and down the street. When he saw me he rode up to me. "Today is my birthday" he said.
"What are you doing for it? " I asked.
"Nothing." He answered." Is your Grandma making a cake or anything?"
"No." "We'll have to make a cake or something."
I was a bit suspicious. Kids will sometimes say this sort of thing just to get as much as they can out of their birthday. However I'm guessing that his grandma, who has custody of him and his sister, is probably on a fixed income; it often seems like they run out of food. Later I found out that she didn't have money to buy a cake or mix so she really wasn't doing anything for him at all. When we asked his sister if we should invite his Grandma to have cake with us, or if we could give her a cake mix she said that her Grandma would be mad if she knew that we were doing anything for him. (Perhaps out of embarrassment?)
We happened to have a box of cake mix, and a package of cream cheese, so we and another girl (Kenisia from the earlier post) set about making a cake for Alex. As the cake came close to being ready we sent Kenesia out to round up Alex's friends to gather on our porch to celebrate his life. As we were finishing up icing the cake lots of kids were gathering on our porch trying to catch a peek of the cake.

Coming out the front door with a lit cake was the crowning moment of my Labor Day. Alex's big smile and thankfulness afterward were wonderful presents for me on his birthday. The cake was really good also.

Racial Tension

A few months ago Kenisia began hanging out with my wife all of the time. She decided that my wife is her "go to person." She is 11 yrs old and in 6th grade. She is going through all of the normal middle school awkwardness -- very aware and self conscious of her body, beginning to wonder who she is etc... She is an African American and is pretty involved in two churches that are mostly ran by Caucasians.
Mostly I wanted to talk about one particular incedent. This past Sunday Kenisia was hanging out at our house -- just acting like one of the family. She and my wife had just come from a Church Youth group in which K was the only black girl. As she and my wife talked it became clear that that had been very uncomfortable for her. The two other girls were cousins, and both fairly fit. The other girls had not been nice to her.
As they were talking my son began throwing a fit. My wife asked me to take him to his room to reprimand him. Kenisia automatically became very defensive. " Why are you sending him back there? It's because I'm black isn't it?" She was visibly bent out of shape about it. My wife asked why she would ever think that. "There are often black friends, and children in our house, we desire it. You yourself are over here everyday and I love it." Kenisia couldn't explain why, and the subject wasn't pushed any more. Eventually it was just dropped.